Growing up we were heavily involved in church, some of my favourite childhood memories is attending my grandparents church with them on Christmas Eve and it was the one time of year the church service was held outside on the grass with all the other families. I loved that as a family we were listening to the story about how baby Jesus was born, They had fun activities for the kids and I always knew after going to church it meant going to bed after and waking up Christmas day.
I’ve been a Catholic my whole life, sure I went through a stage of not attending church and becoming real bored and I had other things to do, I was the classic moody teen / early adulthood. I met the wrong guy for me who was everything my parents hated, he smoked, he was rude and yet I spent all my time with him… I really lost who I was as a person at that stage of my life I was studying and I quit that to be with him more, I stopped going to church, heck I even stopped going to family events!
After that very toxic relationship I moved back in with my parents and began working with kids again and I really found myself, I found Hayden as well. He was the right boy and opened that door for me, we took things nice and slow we chatted for a month before we went on our first real date, he asked me to be his girlfriend on our second.
I never felt judgement for my beliefs from the beginning with Hayden, and he has been an open book from day one. Telling me he wasn’t dating to date anymore and that he saw this long term, he wanted kids in the future and also was honest about the Navy which he was in the intake round at the time. When we first talked about our beliefs and I told him I do believe in God and my family is very Catholic I was scared, in today’s society it’s not shared too much as Catholics are more judged than saying your Christian. Hayden told me his family story and how he did grow up in a church background but for a few years stopped going and believing, after hearing his family story and how messed up it was for him I began to understand and we both agreed to respect each other and support our choices.
Six years have passed since this conversation with him and so much as happened and so much as changed, we have built a life together as husband and wife, we have two children and I now work at a Christian school. When I was pregnant with Lorenzo I didn’t think too much about how I would raise my son and if he would be Catholic or if I let him decide for himself? It wasn’t until he was in my arms I knew I wanted him to be baptized in my family church at St Catherine’s. I knew I wanted him to be raised as a Catholic.
This is I guess where it gets a little bit harder, it’s not just me I have to consider I have to think about how Hayden feels as well. Lorenzo isn’t just my son he’s ours and I have to remember Hayden is not a part of any church and nor does he want that.. so how do I parent my son when his own father won’t go to church.
When Lorenzo was a baby I decided he was too young anyway to stress over to take him with me or not. I began attending my work church Citipointe which yes is Christian, I enjoyed it and found that I could relate and definitely found my love for God again. But here I am Catholic attending a Christian church… How silly do I look!
Does this mean I want to turn Christian? What does this all mean… And what did I want for my family.
Lorenzo is now one and I’ve began to slowly attend my family church again with Lorenzo, he’s definitely still at that age where he doesn’t sit still for too long so I do find it easier if I go alone as my church doesn’t offer kids drop off area well I attend church.
Honestly I felt like a fish out of water my first time back.. I forgot all the prayers, all the songs and I just left feeling deflated. Had I been attending someone else’s church for far too long!
I since haven’t gone back… And this past week or so my friend and I have really been getting into this topic of conversation. We both have husband’s who we wished would go to church more and have both sat down and had our own private conversations with them about our feelings in all this. My reason for wanting Hayden to start attending is that we are a family, we are a whole. And when I go to church and see all these other families all together as one and I’ve rocked up alone or just my son and I it makes me feel so sad for Lorenzo, and my other thought process is when Lorenzo gets older he’s definitely going to play the whole well dad doesn’t have to go so why should I.
Hayden and I had a long very long conversation about all this, and I really am trying not to push him too much but I guess for a marriage to work we both need to do things for each other that sometimes we don’t want to do, we ended up making a compromise and he agreed to special events such as Christmas & Easter which I said I could live with and was very happy. I cried to him the next day and he asked me what was wrong, I said “I know you really don’t want to do this, but you have no idea how much this means to me.” In was in that moment I realised how much love this man has for me and our family and how much love I have for him and nothing can break us.
So to answer my own title & question ” my journey with God” I would have to say 2020 is about finding that out.
Am I attending my family church and being a good Catholic because I want that or I’m pleasing my family?
Am I giving myself 100% into the Catholic church or am I ready to move into being Christian?
Am I doing my all for the Catholic church or could I or should I be doing more?
As a Catholic mum could I be doing more with my children in the way of God!?
So my journey with God has definitely hit a few curve balls this year in terms of growth. But my goal for 2020 is to have this all figured out and by this time next year I hope to write a blog full of life events and this being one of them.
The Caesar family ❌