Scared to give birth at such a devastating time

I wasn’t going to comment or make such a blog about the covid- 19 as I think everyone clearly knows about what’s happening in the world right now and you really don’t need one more person reminding you to take better care of ourselves. But as I went food shopping today and saw these two elderly people struggling to walk and push their own trolly and all I wanted to do was offer help.. which I stilled did even knowing they can’t accept it, that moment was probably the hardest for me and I began to cry.

To top everything off we received a email from our hospital with some updated rules that are now set in place to help protect myself and baby girl when she’s born and other hospital staff.

No longer will I have family members come and visit myself or baby girl or friends as I’m only aloud one person daily which clearly will be hubby as he wants to be with his new child as much as possible. But no children under the age of 16 are aloud in hospital which means my two year old son can’t visit and meet his new baby sister until we are home, I get why these rules are in place and I’m 100% ok with that but it still hurts.

My sweet baby girls birth will always be a story and not for the right reasons, I will always look back at this when my child was born when the virus was so bad the whole world was put on lock down, I will always remember that my mother was at my son’s birth but missed my daughter’s and not because she wanted to but because she had too. I’ll always remember being alone in a hospital room well waiting to take my baby girl home and in a safe place.

I understand why these rules are set in place and I agree with all of them for the safety and wellbeing of everyone right now but it doesn’t make it easier for me, a moment for me that I was looking forward too has now changed too a moment I’m scared about, a moment I feel anxious about. A moment I feel worried about. Which I shouldn’t feel this way about the birth of my second but that’s just the reality of the world right now. So now I’m trying to prepare myself for the birth of my sweet baby girl in a completely new setting.

My new birth plan at this stage is too just be ok, to breath and try and take in all the good moments and let go of those other feelings. To try and not get too inside my own head when it’s just me and baby girl in hospital… that’s my new birth plan.

My journey with god

Growing up we were heavily involved in church, some of my favourite childhood memories is attending my grandparents church with them on Christmas Eve and it was the one time of year the church service was held outside on the grass with all the other families. I loved that as a family we were listening to the story about how baby Jesus was born, They had fun activities for the kids and I always knew after going to church it meant going to bed after and waking up Christmas day.

I’ve been a Catholic my whole life, sure I went through a stage of not attending church and becoming real bored and I had other things to do, I was the classic moody teen / early adulthood. I met the wrong guy for me who was everything my parents hated, he smoked, he was rude and yet I spent all my time with him… I really lost who I was as a person at that stage of my life I was studying and I quit that to be with him more, I stopped going to church, heck I even stopped going to family events!

After that very toxic relationship I moved back in with my parents and began working with kids again and I really found myself, I found Hayden as well. He was the right boy and opened that door for me, we took things nice and slow we chatted for a month before we went on our first real date, he asked me to be his girlfriend on our second.

I never felt judgement for my beliefs from the beginning with Hayden, and he has been an open book from day one. Telling me he wasn’t dating to date anymore and that he saw this long term, he wanted kids in the future and also was honest about the Navy which he was in the intake round at the time. When we first talked about our beliefs and I told him I do believe in God and my family is very Catholic I was scared, in today’s society it’s not shared too much as Catholics are more judged than saying your Christian. Hayden told me his family story and how he did grow up in a church background but for a few years stopped going and believing, after hearing his family story and how messed up it was for him I began to understand and we both agreed to respect each other and support our choices.

Six years have passed since this conversation with him and so much as happened and so much as changed, we have built a life together as husband and wife, we have two children and I now work at a Christian school. When I was pregnant with Lorenzo I didn’t think too much about how I would raise my son and if he would be Catholic or if I let him decide for himself? It wasn’t until he was in my arms I knew I wanted him to be baptized in my family church at St Catherine’s. I knew I wanted him to be raised as a Catholic.

This is I guess where it gets a little bit harder, it’s not just me I have to consider I have to think about how Hayden feels as well. Lorenzo isn’t just my son he’s ours and I have to remember Hayden is not a part of any church and nor does he want that.. so how do I parent my son when his own father won’t go to church.

When Lorenzo was a baby I decided he was too young anyway to stress over to take him with me or not. I began attending my work church Citipointe which yes is Christian, I enjoyed it and found that I could relate and definitely found my love for God again. But here I am Catholic attending a Christian church… How silly do I look!

Does this mean I want to turn Christian? What does this all mean… And what did I want for my family.

Lorenzo is now one and I’ve began to slowly attend my family church again with Lorenzo, he’s definitely still at that age where he doesn’t sit still for too long so I do find it easier if I go alone as my church doesn’t offer kids drop off area well I attend church.

Honestly I felt like a fish out of water my first time back.. I forgot all the prayers, all the songs and I just left feeling deflated. Had I been attending someone else’s church for far too long!

I since haven’t gone back… And this past week or so my friend and I have really been getting into this topic of conversation. We both have husband’s who we wished would go to church more and have both sat down and had our own private conversations with them about our feelings in all this. My reason for wanting Hayden to start attending is that we are a family, we are a whole. And when I go to church and see all these other families all together as one and I’ve rocked up alone or just my son and I it makes me feel so sad for Lorenzo, and my other thought process is when Lorenzo gets older he’s definitely going to play the whole well dad doesn’t have to go so why should I.

Hayden and I had a long very long conversation about all this, and I really am trying not to push him too much but I guess for a marriage to work we both need to do things for each other that sometimes we don’t want to do, we ended up making a compromise and he agreed to special events such as Christmas & Easter which I said I could live with and was very happy. I cried to him the next day and he asked me what was wrong, I said “I know you really don’t want to do this, but you have no idea how much this means to me.” In was in that moment I realised how much love this man has for me and our family and how much love I have for him and nothing can break us.

So to answer my own title & question ” my journey with God” I would have to say 2020 is about finding that out.

Am I attending my family church and being a good Catholic because I want that or I’m pleasing my family?

Am I giving myself 100% into the Catholic church or am I ready to move into being Christian?

Am I doing my all for the Catholic church or could I or should I be doing more?

As a Catholic mum could I be doing more with my children in the way of God!?

So my journey with God has definitely hit a few curve balls this year in terms of growth. But my goal for 2020 is to have this all figured out and by this time next year I hope to write a blog full of life events and this being one of them.

The Caesar family ❌

Family • marriage • faith

When we began our family Hayden and I both sat down and I let him know how I want to raise our children, what I want our family values to be. Before I get into what they all are I want to begin by explaining our own beliefs and values as a couple.

I was raised in a very Catholic household, I spent every second Sunday at church and was also very involved in the church life. Hayden comes from a family who are not Catholic or Christians and grew up in this invorment. I also have some circle of friends who are also not a part of any church.

When Lorenzo was first born hubby and I sat down and I discussed what I wanted, I wanted our children baptized in my family church and I wanted my kids to grow up in the Catholic faith. Hubby was very supportive and agreed that this was important to me it was important to him as well.

My sister’s and I on Lorenzo’s baptism

Lorenzo and I have been attending our family church most Sundays again this is something I have unfortunately not been able to attend every Sunday but my 2020 goal is too make better management for God.

As for hubby I have never forced him to attend church all that I’ve asked is that he supports my beliefs and values. Which he has been, there has been times he hasn’t and this turned into a sit down conversation with him which had a outcome both him and I could agree on. He agreed to be more supportive and allow that, he agreed our children will have a understanding about God and he also agreed when it’s big family church services such as Easter & Christmas he would come to church with us as a family. I never want to push Hayden into something he doesn’t have to do or want to but I’m so thankful he has been so supportive and it just shows how much love and respect we have for each other.

It’s not easy growing up as a Catholic mother when your around some people who are not, sometimes you feel judgement and it’s just easier to not talk about your faith rather be open and share it all.

My love and passion to be a better Catholic comes from my grandmother, she is a very Catholic women who has only ever missed one Sunday mass due to being in hospital. Even when she’s off traveling the world she will find a church and attend. She has detected her week days to helping soup kitchens and most family events she’s even invited friends from her church over who may not of had family around themselves. She the women I’ve grown up to look up too and the women who has given me my faith.

My values I want for my children are to always be kind to others, to be whoever they want to be, to trust in the pathway God has set out for them, for them show love, respect and guidance to others. I want my children to choose their own pathway if this means they don’t want to.follow the word of God I want them to make that choice on their own and understand that God will always be there for them even if they feel they don’t need him in their life at that stage. The reason I have this rule set in place is because I hit a stage where I lost my faith, I stopped going to church and my mother let me and said it was ok. And about two years ago I found myself back in the arms of God and my beliefs have returned, i truly believe that people always find their way back if they really want too, I also believe that even if you don’t believe in a religion someone is always watching over you.

I would love to know if I have any other parents who follow me and also have the same beliefs as I do. I would love to connect and here your story!

The Caesar family.